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Episode 3

Wow.. if I ever doubted she's a hypnotherapist, I no longer have a doubt. She guided us through a meditation, that was so good, that I had to pull myself from near sleep.

She talked about Walt Disney and how he went about making his dreams a reality. She said his model for making movies started first with the dreaming of the dream, then with the planning of that dream, and finally with the critic. It's important not to invite the critic in on the dreaming or planning stages, he has no place there. His time will come later. He may point out holes that really do exist, but the point of the dreaming is not to be hindered by the critic. 

Her meditation guided me through not only visualizing what it is that I want, but realizing what I would feel like when I have it. And she took it a step further by allowing us to realize that we already feel that way (if we allow ourselves to). The happiness and confidence I hope to feel when I achieve my goals, can be my current reality if only I let them. There's no reason why the critic in me has to be so negative while I'm dreaming my dream. I can dream and feel that happiness I seek now. 

If I allow myself to feel this, making the steps I need in order to realize my goals will be that much easier. 

Log

Goal Weight: 105
Current Weight: 133

Food: Chinese food for dinner, toast, two poptarts. Drink: A little water, 2 smirnoff, 2 iced latte.  
Exercise: Walk around block. Rest day for couch25k and weights. 

I went for a walk and took some pictures with my new camera. 





Today, we looked at cars. We are hopefully going to lease a Scion TC 2011 tomorrow. My father-in-law works at Toyota. It was between a Camry and Scion. I liked the Camry, but my husband really likes the Scion and I think having a smaller car (than the Camry) will be better for New Orleans smaller lanes. I like the look of the TC. I have driven a 94 Camry for the last three years, I guess I'm used to how it feels. The Scion is supposed to be a little sportier. I liked the comfort of the Camry. But the Scion is nice, and it's a good car for the next three years. 

I colored my hair. I've been wanting to for a while now. The color didn't hold as much as I would like, but it looks different and that was the point. 

Log

 Food: Eggs and toast, poptart, cheeseburger. Drinks: One soda, one ice latte. Small amount of water during workout. 

Exercise: parked far from store, 15 minute Nike workout, abs focus. Couch25k W1D2 again. 

Episode 2

Episode 1 talked about toward and away from motivation.

Toward motivation is easy: I wan't to fit into my clothes. I wan't to fit into a shirt that says small, and pants that are less than two digits. I wan't to wear shorts and dresses in public. I want to have sex with the lights on. I want to turn heads. I want people to think, wow she is so small. I want to be proud of my body. I want to be healthy. I want to run. I want to be able to run far. Right now I'm training for a 5k. I want to feel confident in new social situations like a job interview or meeting someone new. 

Away from motivation is also easy:  I don't want to wear a coat whether it's cold or not just to hide my body. I don't want to avoid the gym for fear of embarrassment. I don't want to avoid beaches or swimming pools. I don't want to avoid hikes or walking outside for fear of getting tired. I don't want to get in the shower, and try not to look down because I am ashamed. I don't want to see pictures and notice that my face looks a little fuller. I don't want to constantly check to make sure my shirt is pulled far down so that my tummy is not showing. I don't want to feel guilty for eating. 
 
 

How Do You Know You Want to Change?

These are the answers to the Inside Out Weight Loss questions worksheet.

What unwanted behaviors do you have?
I eat junk food. I don't exercise. I eat uncontrollably- I don't just have one soda, I have 3 or four; I don't just eat a few chips, I eat the whole bag. I hide my eating or over drinking with soda from my husband sometimes. 
 
Non weight loss wise, I am lazy. I don't put things away right away; I throw clothes on the bathroom floor. I leave my makeup on the counter. I leave stuff all over my desk. When I take things out, I don't put them back. I'm a procrastinator. I wait to clean until it really has to be done. I put off homework until the night it is due. I let the mail pile up before I open it. I pay bills later than I should. I tell myself, oh I'll do that tonight/tomorrow .. and then I don't. This really is affecting school, because I'm in a discipline that demands I practice (I'm a court reporting student). Basically, I will never graduate until I reach a certain words per minute, and I won't increase my words per minute without practice. I'm already behind schedule. I should be in my 120-140, but I'm still working on my 100s. It's because I go days without practicing. I take medicine for my bipolar disorder, but I forget to take my pills.. I tell myself, I'll take them later. And I don't. I wait to see my doctor when I have two pills left, leaving me in a bad position if she isn't available. 
 
What symptoms do you have? 
I'm overweight. I weight 133 at 4'11''. I should weight between 95-125. It doesn't sound like much, but my goal is to lose 33 pounds. Only if that turns out to be a healthy weight for me though. I tire easily, I can't do things that are physically demanding. I have clothes that fit, and clothes that don't fit. Mostly clothes that don't fit. I don't like my picture taken. I feel guilt and disgust. 
 
What are the consequences of those behaviors and symptoms?
I won't wear short, dresses, bathing suites, or things that show off my upper arms. I wear coats even when it's not cold. I stayed with a job I hated for so long, because I don't have the confidence to get a new one (I am not working at the moment though). I look down in public. I shy away from family activities like hiking, walking, running. I don't want to do anything that shows my body. I don't like pictures or seeing my body in a mirror. I don't enjoy sex as much as I could because all I can think about it my body. 
 
What other people are affected by your problem?
My mother and sister, I won't send them photos of me. My husband. He doesn't get as much as he should from sex because I can't even do it with the lights on, let alone try new things. He has to deal with my negative self deprecating comments. 

Introduction

I doubt anyone will be reading this, but if so ... this is a little bit about me. 

I'm 24 years old. I'm married. I'm a court reporting student. I live in Colorado, but will be moving to New Orleans next month because of my husband's job. I have no children, and no plans to have any. I am quite content with my two cats. There's a lot I could write about: my bipolar disorder, dealing with an alcoholic family, dealing with a single-parent home, rough childhood,  whatever. But I'll save those for later. Those are things that deserve their own entries; things that need to be worked out in my head in due time. 
 
The inspiration for this journal comes from a podcast I am currently listening to: Inside Out Weight Loss. You can find it on Itunes, and I VERY highly recommend it. It's hosted by Renee, a life coach and hypnotherapist. Those are two things I would usually pay no mind to, but it doesn't matter. Her message is clear, articulate, calming, and motivating. She guides you through the things you might not have otherwise considered when you are struggling with weight loss. My goal is to start from the beginning. She has been doing this podcast since 2007, and on her suggestion, I am going back and starting at the first one. The entries in this journal will help me work through whatever the topic is. 
 
She says that it's important to know where you were when you decided to make a lifestyle change. Because it's easy to forget exactly how bad things once were and how far you really have come. So here goes.